Resilient Results

I wrote last about letting go of envy and then I had a much bigger idea talking about strategy.  However, I’ve been reading books about habit formation and how to change people’s actions.  The conventional wisdom is you can’t, you have to make the person want to change.  That’s a nice saying, but it doesn’t help much, as it doesn’t give insight into how to motivate someone to change.  There’s a lot here, and out of us do it wrong, mainly because the most behavior change training we get comes from our parents who attempt to use punishment and shame as discipline.  This rarely works.

The only way to get someone to change is to make the behavior you want them to do easy and help them feel successful.  That’s it.  It doesn’t matter if the person is successful only if they feel successful.  The more you help with that, the easier it will be for you to help that person be successful. 

I realized today I was envious of my sponsor.  For background, I am a 1099 independent consultant, and the person who pays for me is called my sponsor.  I can now tell the story, as I was once an employee of the company.  I won’t go into details, but the short answer is I didn’t take the long view of things and allowed my frustration to vent.  I complained about my sponsor in front of his boss and attempted to cut him down and shame him into doing what I wanted.  He rightly demanded my resignation but then offered to bring me on as a consultant. There’s a lot of emotion there, and in the meantime, my sponsor has grown as an executive, and made powerful connections that will help drive him forward in his career.  

In speaking with another person, I realized I was envious.  And then I remembered the stoic approach. There’s no good reason to feel envious.  He has chosen his path, and I have chosen mine.  Neither is better than the other.  We both have our share of problems we must address as well as benefits we enjoy. In the end, the best thing I can do is be happy for my sponsor and commit to working on my own path.  When I accepted that, the anger, resentment, and envy vanished.  I’m committing to no longe being ashamed or angry as the choices I made or the path I followed.  Those were mine, I own them, and I need to make them the best they can be.  At the end, that’s all I have.  

As I mentioned the other day, I got knocked down.  I’ve spent a few days reflecting on what happened and my role in it, speaking with some trusted friends and mentors.  They helped me see things in a different light, namely to keep the bigger picture in mind. A career is not a job.  Jobs are stepping stones in careers, but in all likelihood, my current job  is not one that I will retire from. I shouldn’t take or make the things that happen to me personally, and when I do reflect on them,  I should examine them from a perspective of how I can do better, as my job serves my career.  Once a job stops serving my career, it’s time to move on.  This means I need to reorient myself and start over at my current job, which is painful, but also fundamentally human.  We’re emotional and many times our emotions get the better of us and we forget the bigger picture.  Having people we trust who can point that out and tell us it’s time to reset is a gift.

I got knocked down pretty hard yesterday.  Hard enough to question choices I’ve made regarding my life and my career.  Even after a night’s rest and journaling, I’m still not sure what the next step is. That’s ok.  We try to certain of ourselves at all time, try to present that we know what to do, how to fix the problem, etc.  Sometimes, we don’t know.  Sometimes, we simply need to be present and let the path reveal itself. Learning to be comfortable with discomfort, learning to be certain with uncertainty is something we all need to learn.  We also need to recognize that our jobs are just part of our life and that we need to find value and meaning outside of them.  I saw “we” but I truly mean “I”.

Many times we run away from something when we shouldn’t.  It could be a job, a relationship, an area where things aren’t going well for us, but there’s a chance for personal growth and development. We just need to learn to be comfortable with discomfort and seek out ways to grow. In these situations, we should seek to change things only when we know the next move with put another step in the direction we want to go.  As someone wisely told me once, make sure to run towards something and not away from something, because otherwise those problems will simply follow.  (There are times, however, when it’s appropriate to run away from something without the next step. An abusive relationship at home, an abusive manager, situations where our physical and mental health are in danger.)

I haven’t posted in a few days.  That’s ok.  I simple acknowledge it and move on, writing this post.  No need to chide myself, or try to make myself feel bad.  Life happens, and the fault is not with me, but with my systems.  Today’s note is remind myself to become a finisher.  I sit here in a partially finished home office.  The moulding needs to be filled in, caulked, the outlets replaced and new wall plates put on, remove the paint tape and touch up.  After words, it’s bringing my bookshelf and another computer desk in.  It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s easy to let this slip by as the days pass.  For a one time activity, it’s best to schedule this and then work it to completion.  It’s not a habit, it’s a project.  Projects have a definite start, end, and goal, and to avoid relying on motivation, it’s best to schedule, block the time and then work it to completion.  Habits, on the other hand, are recurring, and it’s best to start small.  For a project, the goal is to “Get it over with” and enjoy the results.  For a habit, the goal is the habit itself.  Finish projects, keep habits.

This is a note to myself: stop complaining.  Stop wallowing in self pity and trying to get others to feel sorry for you.  It won’t work, take responsibility for things and accept them as they are.  More people will be drawn to you if you exude an aura of self-confidence, self-acceptance, positivity, and make the best of things.  How will you do this? These are not actionable, per say, based on what I’ve been reading Atomic Habit and Tiny Habits.  Changing you mindset and your action requires 2 things, awareness of what you’re doing and specific action to take.  Telling someone (even myself) to stop complaining isn’t helpful because everyone complains, and there’s much to complain about.  Rather be specific in the area to stop complaining and then be specific in the action to take.  It might start small, but it will eventually bleed into the other areas of your life. 

I realized I missed a day.  That’s ok, when building a new habit, this will happen.  Rather than berate myself for failing, it’s better to recognize this will happen and move on, resolving to post something today. I have spent many years attempting to change how I act and feel by making myself be ashamed.  I’ve also tried this with those most important in my life.  It hasn’t work.  When disciplining children it’s far more effective to give attention and reinforcement to the behaviors you want than to criticize and call out the behavior you don’t.  (Children are seeking attention with these actions and they don’t generally care if it’s good or bad, the reward is the attention.)  As adults, we’re seasoned enough to know to avoid negative attention, but we’re far more motivated and willing if we receive positive enforcement.  Rather than shaming, it’s better to call out the good and let people  know exactly what you want them to do.

Your life is a series of systems.  Systems for working, systems for relaxing, systems for exercising, systems for everything.  I’ve been taught a lot of systems, from things like GTD, YNAB, BASB, etc, and I’ve tried to apply them in my life.  I’ve had varying success, but the lesson I learned was the need to adopt a system that suits you.  This applies to many areas in life.  All too often, we get told this system is the One True Way*, we set out to adopt it, and we fail, blaming ourselves.  The reality is more often there’s a mismatch between the system and us.  A good system does change us, but it makes the change “easy”.  A good way I think of this is squats with a barbell.  When done correctly, a squat is a smooth fluid motion that doesn’t have pain.  The challenge is lifting the weight, not the squat itself.  

 

• This applies to all systems, including religion. 

Last night I was upset over things related to work, feeling like I was being unfairly treated.  Then I remembered two things.  First, I am well paid.  That’s enough.  Many people go to work for many reasons, socializing, perceived status, a sense of meaning and accomplishment.  The real reason we go to work is money.  Ask yourself if you would be doing your job if you didn’t have to.  The other thing to remind myself is that anytime I feel a sense of entitlement, that’s me getting in my own way, defining my value not on who I am, but on what I want.  Rather than have expectations, show up, do a good job, and get paid.  That’s all there is to it.